I have been privately contacted by many of you regarding my belief that Mike Auldridge is an alien. I do not appreciate the implications that these remarks are either careless, schizophrenic or scurrilous. So, for those skeptics, I will present the evidence that Mike is not a man of woman born, but is of extra-terrestrial origin. (Howard, can't we just put this in a list FAQ so I don't have to repeat myself again and again for every newbie that comes along?)
1) The most obvious evidence is that he's just too darn good. Come on, don't you all feel better thinking that he has an unnatural advantage?
2) He's just too darn nice a fellow - no human can be that pleasant. Shoot, that boy needs a week in New York as a reality check.
3) He is obviously able to exude a psycho-chemical substance that makes everyone feel comfortable in his presence. I was able detect the presence of this drug during a lesson because my hands just would not do what they were supposed to.
4) During a lesson, he managed to dredge up a compliment about my playing. The ease at which he did this indicates a familiarity with creating myriad falsehoods, in the way that any alien would need to survive long without suspiscion on Earth.
5) He plays right handed, but writes left handed. OK, while rare, this is not unknown among great musicians, but then, don't that make you wonder?
6) As previously observed, he can keep time by patting his foot, with the neck resting on his knee and the neck does not move. This indicates a non-standard set of knee-ankle joints. On being confronted with this observation, he, at a loss for a coherent explanation, simply feigned ingnorance that this miraculous event was occuring.
7) Either he's been jamming with the Blues Brothers, or the men in black are on to him.
It is becoming increasingly apparent that Mike comes from a planet filled with amazingly good Dobro players. How good are they? Well, recent linguistic investigations confirm the suspicion that "His Legendship" (long thought to be simply a grammatical aberration) translates into English as "pretty average Dobro player." The same linguists translate "Flux" as "could only get a gig on Earth." "Tut" however, appears to translate as "truly unique, Dobro technique," but appears to be a term that only applies, though with great reverence, to Earthlings. "Oz," "Josh," "Junior,", "Unc," "Shot" and "Speedy" all appear to be alien names, although translation methods are yet too primitive to resolve their meaning. All of this explains however, why great Dobro players have been so long associated with such strange names. (Scoff ye may, but I challenge any of you to come up with a more rational explanation.)
Interestingly, recently declassified documents indicate that the Air Force
has long been aware of this particular alien invasion. However, it appears
that this species has been somehow deceived into believing that amazing
Dobro playing was the key to economic domination of the Earth. As such, the
Air Force has simply stamped the files "Harmless." But we Dobro players
cannot be so careless. We must maintain our vigilance.
WATCH THE SKIES
THEY MIGHT BE COMING FOR YOUR GIGS
Charlie "Looking forward to the Lobotomy" Campbell